Classic Car Rescue

Since Channel 5 lost Fifth Gear to Discovery UK, they have obviously needed something else to fill that gap and they have come up with Classic Car Rescue.

It's on a Monday evening at 8pm (9pm Channel 5+1 Time) We are now half-way through the series.

In this Blog, I will review the show in the style of…the show. You will read me giving my opinions of the bust-ups and the work that goes on in restoring some classic motors from the past, turning them from barely scrap value to (literally) prize condition. I will comment about how Cockney mechanic Bernie Fineman has teamed up with Canadian Car Salesman Mario Pacione (no, I hadn’t a clue about him either) to buy and restore classic cars such as the E-Type Jag and an MGB GT. I’ll also tell you about their very contrived arguments and apparently catastrophic set-backs.

I was fully aware of Bernie Fineman from his previous work on Bangla Bangers and Chop Shop, London Garage – a couple of Channel 4 series where he was teamed up with a Bangladeshi designer so that they could have very fake arguments and produce some impressive-looking motors. I had never heard of Mario Pacione and wouldn’t be surprised if Bernie hadn’t either before he was teamed up with him to make this series.

This series is definitely more of the same except the arguments seem even more fake.

Each episode starts with them deciding what make of classic car to restore – so far we’ve had an E-Type, a Porsche 911 and an MGB and next week, it’s a Mustang. Once the car has been decided upon, Bernie will go out and about and try to find one. First, he will succeed in finding one that is a complete mess that the seller wants far too much money for. Bernie will then succeed in finding another one that is also a mess. He will then buy that one at a price that either he or Mario is not happy with. We will then be told how much it will cost to restore the car and that, to keep down costs, Bernie’s team of mechanics will be given a very, very short time period in which to do it.

Both partners will go out and source some spare or replacement parts from some local Cockney and/or Asian characters. Would it be wrong to call this ethnic group Cockasians?

Then it’s time for a near disaster followed by one of the partners (usually Mario) doing something really stupid and the other partner shouting at him, then storming off.

Next we get the good bit of the show – a look at the actual restoration work interspersed with a few interesting facts and figures about the history and manufacture of the featured car.

Now it’s time for a break – this Blog is sponsored by Adrian Flux Insurance – at least I wish it was – I could do with the cash. After the break, I’ll tell you about the door-slamming and how a posh bloke will value the car at more than was spent on it. There’s also a chance to win a copy of the finished Blog.Adrian Flux – for all your insurance needs – I’d like them to sponsor my Blog now please.

In the first part of this Blog, we learned that Cockney mechanic Bernie Fineman has teamed up with Canadian Car Salesman Mario Pacione to buy and restore classic cars. We know Bernie buys a classic car in need of much work and gives his team a very short timescale to complete it. Some parts will have been purchased and Bernie will then have had a contrived argument with Mario and one of them will have stormed off, slamming a door very loudly behind him.

We then see the conclusion of the restoration including the paint-job and the electrics. This is very reminiscent of American Hot-Rod and the whole series does have a strong American Hot-Rod vibe. Which is good. Mostly.

Each episode ends with a professional car valuer turning up in his BMW 850 and telling them what he believes the restored car to be worth. It’s been a respectable profit each time so far. The production company then presumably buy the car and give it away to the winner of an expensive-to-enter competition.

So, it’s a case of enjoyable car bits, and very irritating fake bits – like American Hot-Rod. Now, if you would like to win* a copy of this Blog, just answer this easy question and transfer £1.50 into my bank account:

What is Bernie Fineman’s surname?
A: FINEMAN
B: JONES
C: £1.50

*Terms and conditions apply – the main one being that this isn’t a real competition.

American Hot-Rod

This is quite an old programme and it's 2004 shows that they are airing on the Quest Channel at the moment and I have to say I'm finding them very enjoyable - which is unusual for me because I normally can't abide reality shows.

The show is about Boyd Coddington's Hot Rod Shop and the staff and staff interactions therein. It ran from 2004 until just before Boyd's death in 2008 although very few of the staff seem to have lasted long there.

I suppose I like it because you get to see a lot of the construction of the vehicles albeit in not as much detail as the Various-Vehicles Is Born Series where a veterinarian and an old bloke build or rebuild various projects - now that was educational and helped me understand a hell of a lot of what Boyd and Co. were getting up to.

The nearest modern show to American Hot-Rod is Bangla Bangers and its spin-off series Chop Shop:London Garage where a Cockney mechanic called Bernie and a Bangladeshi coachbuilder called Leepu swear at each other for 45 minutes while building wild and wonderful cars to tight deadlines then hug and say how wonderful each other are when it is finished.

Anyway, back to Boyd and his team...Duane Mayer is Boyd's number two. He makes a very good narrator and obviously is good at his job but he is ALWAYS MOANING.

Mike Curtis is obviously quite clever but comes over as completely gormless. This is because he doesn't move his mouth when he speaks. It was subsequently revealed that he had suffered severe facial injury in a high-speed car smash on the Salt-Lake beds.

Roy Schmidt is the grumpy old git in the series - but everyone respects his experience. If you believe Wikipedia, and I sometimes do, he sadly died of lung cancer.

Charlie Hutton looked after the Body Shop (where they prepare and paint the cars - not The Body Shop where women buy perfumes and stuff) - he was always the cheeriest person around.

Al Simon seemed to be the easiest-going one there who was also very experienced and always hidden behind his massive moustache.

Chad Geary (I can't find a picture of him) was a young, and it has to be said, immature worker who had a good surname for a car-worker and an unexplained nickname - "Bluebear". He was given (and squandered) a golden chance to build his own car for a competition against one Boyd was building. This really made Duane jealous and plenty of arguments ensued until Chad was eventually sacked.

As well as this lot, Boyd also employed his ex-wife - the mother of his children and a very effective accounts and HR person - and also he employed his newer, younger, prettier wife who liked to redesign the tee-shirts worn by the staff.

I suspect the TV people liked to liven things up for broadcast because there would be plenty of teambuilding trips out and practical jokes played inside that seemed very out of place. Boyd's management style left a fair bit to be desired anyway so it all added to a high staff-turnover and a very enjoyable show.

Catch it if you can at 7pm each evening.